18thspook: (Default)
( Dec. 7th, 2015 01:41 pm)
Saturday was a long day. My cute little nephew's 3rd birthday party followed by a damn two hour trip to the most anticipated birthday of the year (definitely not my own) of one of my friends. It's always smashing. Literally.

At the nephew's, I spent most of my time eyeing the food and the swing set. Even at these family things, even at my age, I am still basically an awkward kid with nothing to say. If someone had brought their dog, I would have spent more time interacting with the puppy than any people. Well, the pizza was free, and I think I looked pretty. I even played on the monkey bars, it's been years and I have no idea how I was able to hold on for so long when I was small, even a few days later my hands still feel raw.

I'm not sure what to write about the next party. Basically, the second I got there people were throwing chocolate vodka shots at me and I caught up to the crowd despite being a few hours late to the party. The people at this yearly gathering are some of the loveliest I know, there are always a number of costume changes and half the dudes end up in dresses, we listen to uptempo 90's classics, some drunkard drops a bottle but everyone looks out for each other. I wish I saw them more often. I always wonder if it'd feel weird though.
I may be training with one of them soon, he is studying to be a personal trainer and he wants to get any practice he can. I hope I can get into it, my life has been pretty sedentary and that is really bad. I know it'd be good for my mental health too!
I took a few funny photos with my instant camera, chatted and drank the night away. It was a good time. It is always a good time.

18thspook: (Default)
( Dec. 5th, 2015 02:07 am)
I've been watching along as my boyfriend plays Tales from the Borderlands. It's pretty well written, funny and exciting, even for someone like me who hasn't played any of the Borderlands games. I adore the robots, all of them!
We have gone through 3 episodes, I think, and I am really looking forward to the rest! Handsome Jack is such a compelling and interesting, complicated character. I love him too.

After that last episode I had to make my way to work, but I planned to chill in the nice, air conditioned Library to kill a few hours and hopefully try to do some anatomy studies in my sketchbook. On the way, I realised I was following one of my old high school friends. She was in fact, one of my best friends. It had been years since we'd spoken, even chatted online... I was really nervous, but I said hi. She was on her way to work too, we ended up catching up briefly in the library. Still really nervous, but it was lovely talking to her. She seems to have her life in order and she is classy, I always figured she had outgrown me. I truly feel like an immature brat despite my age. But it seemed like her hanging out with me, even in that brief time, she is also immature... unless it's a quality I just bring out in people. We ended up crouched like children observing a butt from a fair distance away...

I'm hoping we can hang out again, in a planned setting where I can feel more prepared. I messaged her on Facebook (our last conversation ended somewhere mid 2012 >>;;) and hopefully after the hustle 'n' bustle of December we can meet up and get tea and do some life drawing. Really hoping these actually happen... If I had a dollar for every time I made plans to 'hang out more' with old friends that never get fulfilled, I could afford another tattoo. It upsets me. Before today, every other encounter after high school (few as they were) we weren't really alone with each other, and I didn't feel I could let loose completely and be myself around some of the other people, so I always felt awkward. It was more natural one-on-one so... hopefully I won't be awkward again if we meet for tea.

I'm hoping to... keep people closer to me. Just a bit, I feel like I have drifted so far from a lot of my friends.

I never did do those anatomy studies.... dang. I'll try to do some now.

I tend to do nothing. I feel like I am doing nothing 80% of the time, it's been like this over the last few years. I used to identify as a "creative person" haha but I've felt empty in this time. It's upsetting... Like I don't know who I am. I have little energy to create and I belittle myself.
Sometimes I see people other than my mum and boyfriend, but I am really bad at maintaining friendships otherwise. I have friends and people think I am nice, but I don't feel like I am too close with anyone, even to my closest friends. Sometimes I feel forgotten, even by my closest friends. I don't see them too often. I don't know... i don't know.

But I saw a few friends today and it was lovely. I hope I can do this more often, but it's especially hard since I recently moved further away from everyone I know, and I'm generally broke. I want to invite them over but I feel like... who could be bothered coming out here? And I'm boring. My house is boring. My neighbourhood is boring. But I'll try.

I've been trying to draw more as well. I want to improve, and I want to have ideas again. Hope I can actually stick to it. Drawing makes me happy.

right now I feel sick...



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