I tend to do nothing. I feel like I am doing nothing 80% of the time, it's been like this over the last few years. I used to identify as a "creative person" haha but I've felt empty in this time. It's upsetting... Like I don't know who I am. I have little energy to create and I belittle myself.
Sometimes I see people other than my mum and boyfriend, but I am really bad at maintaining friendships otherwise. I have friends and people think I am nice, but I don't feel like I am too close with anyone, even to my closest friends. Sometimes I feel forgotten, even by my closest friends. I don't see them too often. I don't know... i don't know.

But I saw a few friends today and it was lovely. I hope I can do this more often, but it's especially hard since I recently moved further away from everyone I know, and I'm generally broke. I want to invite them over but I feel like... who could be bothered coming out here? And I'm boring. My house is boring. My neighbourhood is boring. But I'll try.

I've been trying to draw more as well. I want to improve, and I want to have ideas again. Hope I can actually stick to it. Drawing makes me happy.

right now I feel sick...

I should be asleep, but I have a tendancy to not think about myself the next day. I know I will be really tired tomorrow. I'll try to get to sleep again after posting here, my head is just buzzing and won't shut down.

I have to remember to take my medication before bed tonight... I'm not so sure if it will work for me, but it's too early to say for sure. Just started a week and a half ago.
This will be my first run of anti-depressants after years of being too afraid to try. Afraid mostly of being judged by my family and friends, which is a stupid reason. But I often wonder if I am even actually in a bad enough state to need medication. Maybe I'm not depressed and I am just a lazy fuck. It drives me mad...

I don't know... I don't know what to say. I never really know what to say about anything, I feel like I am just a walking pile of jibberish.

It seems... finding relatable journals or communities here on LJ is harder than I anticipated, it feels pretty quiet here, and I cannot read any Russian. This is okay. I am still getting used to this again, in an age where such journals are not as booming as they used to be. It was nice back then having small conversations with people who just happened upon your silly posts and felt compelled to leave a nice comment. Damn... I feel old.
Perhaps I am just... too disconnected even when I am online to find something I am willing to be a part of.

I suppose I do feel lonely sometimes and hope to make friends online. I've attempted this more recently, but some people ask way too many uncomfortably personal questions way too soon, like they don't want to just enjoy getting to know someone without having to know every gruesome detail immediately. Maybe I have had bad luck? And the nicer folk I have spoken to tend to become inactive. Or I drop off the face of the internet and then I feel too nervous trying to start another conversation a week or two later (this is possibly the case with those nice folk, too... damn)


I really do feel like a burden to everyone I care about.
Don't know why I can't just be... a standard functional human adult. It isn't supposed to be so hard. I shouldn't ruin my own life like this.

I'm all over the place tonight. This entry is a mess. I don't care, just had to get this crap out... Hopefully I haven't just made myself more restless.



18thspook: (Default)

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