18thspook: (Default)
( Nov. 29th, 2015 12:34 am)
I was not able to get to sleep last night. I started to lightly doze off just as my alarm to go to work went off. It really shocked my system and I started to panic, really worried about driving there and falling asleep at the wheel. Feel dizzy too, probably cause I am an idiot and took my medication so, so late (it's a side effect, that's why I take it at night) I'm doing this all wrong ><

Had to call my boss before 6am because any later would be a dick move, but calling at all ever feels like a dick move, especially so early on her day off. I was staring at her contact on my phone with my finger just hovering over it for over 15 minutes. I never feel able to make a phone call in the first place, let alone such an annoying and disruption one to the person on the receiver. My hands are still shaking a bit... some of these typos I am making are a bit funny. Hah..

I feel awful about it, but I'm more afraid of driving for so long right now.
Just have to try and calm myself. Get a bit of sleep at some point.

>>
I should be asleep, but I have a tendancy to not think about myself the next day. I know I will be really tired tomorrow. I'll try to get to sleep again after posting here, my head is just buzzing and won't shut down.

I have to remember to take my medication before bed tonight... I'm not so sure if it will work for me, but it's too early to say for sure. Just started a week and a half ago.
This will be my first run of anti-depressants after years of being too afraid to try. Afraid mostly of being judged by my family and friends, which is a stupid reason. But I often wonder if I am even actually in a bad enough state to need medication. Maybe I'm not depressed and I am just a lazy fuck. It drives me mad...

I don't know... I don't know what to say. I never really know what to say about anything, I feel like I am just a walking pile of jibberish.

It seems... finding relatable journals or communities here on LJ is harder than I anticipated, it feels pretty quiet here, and I cannot read any Russian. This is okay. I am still getting used to this again, in an age where such journals are not as booming as they used to be. It was nice back then having small conversations with people who just happened upon your silly posts and felt compelled to leave a nice comment. Damn... I feel old.
Perhaps I am just... too disconnected even when I am online to find something I am willing to be a part of.

I suppose I do feel lonely sometimes and hope to make friends online. I've attempted this more recently, but some people ask way too many uncomfortably personal questions way too soon, like they don't want to just enjoy getting to know someone without having to know every gruesome detail immediately. Maybe I have had bad luck? And the nicer folk I have spoken to tend to become inactive. Or I drop off the face of the internet and then I feel too nervous trying to start another conversation a week or two later (this is possibly the case with those nice folk, too... damn)

-

I really do feel like a burden to everyone I care about.
Don't know why I can't just be... a standard functional human adult. It isn't supposed to be so hard. I shouldn't ruin my own life like this.

I'm all over the place tonight. This entry is a mess. I don't care, just had to get this crap out... Hopefully I haven't just made myself more restless.

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S
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