18thspook: (Default)
( Dec. 7th, 2015 01:41 pm)
Saturday was a long day. My cute little nephew's 3rd birthday party followed by a damn two hour trip to the most anticipated birthday of the year (definitely not my own) of one of my friends. It's always smashing. Literally.

At the nephew's, I spent most of my time eyeing the food and the swing set. Even at these family things, even at my age, I am still basically an awkward kid with nothing to say. If someone had brought their dog, I would have spent more time interacting with the puppy than any people. Well, the pizza was free, and I think I looked pretty. I even played on the monkey bars, it's been years and I have no idea how I was able to hold on for so long when I was small, even a few days later my hands still feel raw.

I'm not sure what to write about the next party. Basically, the second I got there people were throwing chocolate vodka shots at me and I caught up to the crowd despite being a few hours late to the party. The people at this yearly gathering are some of the loveliest I know, there are always a number of costume changes and half the dudes end up in dresses, we listen to uptempo 90's classics, some drunkard drops a bottle but everyone looks out for each other. I wish I saw them more often. I always wonder if it'd feel weird though.
I may be training with one of them soon, he is studying to be a personal trainer and he wants to get any practice he can. I hope I can get into it, my life has been pretty sedentary and that is really bad. I know it'd be good for my mental health too!
I took a few funny photos with my instant camera, chatted and drank the night away. It was a good time. It is always a good time.

18thspook: (Default)
( Dec. 5th, 2015 02:59 am)
I tried to hype myself up to reveal my rose tattoo to my mother... and it is pathetic how afraid I am. I'm a goddamn adult. And it's a pretty tattoo, not something she wouldn't like to see. Yet.. I still feel ... scared.


Got it about.... 3 or so weeks ago, had it hidden this whole time. And it's going to start getting even warmer here, I don't want to have to wear 3 quarter sleeves just trying to hide it around her. And I don't want to hear her shit on about me wearing sleeves in warm weather, that is almost worse. How the fuck do I bring it up?

"Yo, you like roses yeah?"
"Hey, want to know a secret?"
"Guess who has two thumbs and a new tattoo."

18thspook: (Default)
( Dec. 5th, 2015 02:07 am)
I've been watching along as my boyfriend plays Tales from the Borderlands. It's pretty well written, funny and exciting, even for someone like me who hasn't played any of the Borderlands games. I adore the robots, all of them!
We have gone through 3 episodes, I think, and I am really looking forward to the rest! Handsome Jack is such a compelling and interesting, complicated character. I love him too.

After that last episode I had to make my way to work, but I planned to chill in the nice, air conditioned Library to kill a few hours and hopefully try to do some anatomy studies in my sketchbook. On the way, I realised I was following one of my old high school friends. She was in fact, one of my best friends. It had been years since we'd spoken, even chatted online... I was really nervous, but I said hi. She was on her way to work too, we ended up catching up briefly in the library. Still really nervous, but it was lovely talking to her. She seems to have her life in order and she is classy, I always figured she had outgrown me. I truly feel like an immature brat despite my age. But it seemed like her hanging out with me, even in that brief time, she is also immature... unless it's a quality I just bring out in people. We ended up crouched like children observing a butt from a fair distance away...

I'm hoping we can hang out again, in a planned setting where I can feel more prepared. I messaged her on Facebook (our last conversation ended somewhere mid 2012 >>;;) and hopefully after the hustle 'n' bustle of December we can meet up and get tea and do some life drawing. Really hoping these actually happen... If I had a dollar for every time I made plans to 'hang out more' with old friends that never get fulfilled, I could afford another tattoo. It upsets me. Before today, every other encounter after high school (few as they were) we weren't really alone with each other, and I didn't feel I could let loose completely and be myself around some of the other people, so I always felt awkward. It was more natural one-on-one so... hopefully I won't be awkward again if we meet for tea.

I'm hoping to... keep people closer to me. Just a bit, I feel like I have drifted so far from a lot of my friends.

I never did do those anatomy studies.... dang. I'll try to do some now.

I tend to do nothing. I feel like I am doing nothing 80% of the time, it's been like this over the last few years. I used to identify as a "creative person" haha but I've felt empty in this time. It's upsetting... Like I don't know who I am. I have little energy to create and I belittle myself.
Sometimes I see people other than my mum and boyfriend, but I am really bad at maintaining friendships otherwise. I have friends and people think I am nice, but I don't feel like I am too close with anyone, even to my closest friends. Sometimes I feel forgotten, even by my closest friends. I don't see them too often. I don't know... i don't know.

But I saw a few friends today and it was lovely. I hope I can do this more often, but it's especially hard since I recently moved further away from everyone I know, and I'm generally broke. I want to invite them over but I feel like... who could be bothered coming out here? And I'm boring. My house is boring. My neighbourhood is boring. But I'll try.

I've been trying to draw more as well. I want to improve, and I want to have ideas again. Hope I can actually stick to it. Drawing makes me happy.

right now I feel sick...

I have started doodling these shitty little bunnies with obvious balls to cheer me up and make me laugh. Started in a Drawpile session with a friend, I'd scribble a bunch of these on and around her drawings, laughs were had so it was good.
They can be my mascot. I need to make a keychain and a zine for these Balled Buns.

This was an odd post.

18thspook: (Default)
( Nov. 29th, 2015 12:34 am)
I was not able to get to sleep last night. I started to lightly doze off just as my alarm to go to work went off. It really shocked my system and I started to panic, really worried about driving there and falling asleep at the wheel. Feel dizzy too, probably cause I am an idiot and took my medication so, so late (it's a side effect, that's why I take it at night) I'm doing this all wrong ><

Had to call my boss before 6am because any later would be a dick move, but calling at all ever feels like a dick move, especially so early on her day off. I was staring at her contact on my phone with my finger just hovering over it for over 15 minutes. I never feel able to make a phone call in the first place, let alone such an annoying and disruption one to the person on the receiver. My hands are still shaking a bit... some of these typos I am making are a bit funny. Hah..

I feel awful about it, but I'm more afraid of driving for so long right now.
Just have to try and calm myself. Get a bit of sleep at some point.

I should be asleep, but I have a tendancy to not think about myself the next day. I know I will be really tired tomorrow. I'll try to get to sleep again after posting here, my head is just buzzing and won't shut down.

I have to remember to take my medication before bed tonight... I'm not so sure if it will work for me, but it's too early to say for sure. Just started a week and a half ago.
This will be my first run of anti-depressants after years of being too afraid to try. Afraid mostly of being judged by my family and friends, which is a stupid reason. But I often wonder if I am even actually in a bad enough state to need medication. Maybe I'm not depressed and I am just a lazy fuck. It drives me mad...

I don't know... I don't know what to say. I never really know what to say about anything, I feel like I am just a walking pile of jibberish.

It seems... finding relatable journals or communities here on LJ is harder than I anticipated, it feels pretty quiet here, and I cannot read any Russian. This is okay. I am still getting used to this again, in an age where such journals are not as booming as they used to be. It was nice back then having small conversations with people who just happened upon your silly posts and felt compelled to leave a nice comment. Damn... I feel old.
Perhaps I am just... too disconnected even when I am online to find something I am willing to be a part of.

I suppose I do feel lonely sometimes and hope to make friends online. I've attempted this more recently, but some people ask way too many uncomfortably personal questions way too soon, like they don't want to just enjoy getting to know someone without having to know every gruesome detail immediately. Maybe I have had bad luck? And the nicer folk I have spoken to tend to become inactive. Or I drop off the face of the internet and then I feel too nervous trying to start another conversation a week or two later (this is possibly the case with those nice folk, too... damn)


I really do feel like a burden to everyone I care about.
Don't know why I can't just be... a standard functional human adult. It isn't supposed to be so hard. I shouldn't ruin my own life like this.

I'm all over the place tonight. This entry is a mess. I don't care, just had to get this crap out... Hopefully I haven't just made myself more restless.

18thspook: (Default)
( Nov. 27th, 2015 01:40 pm)

I started a journal on LJ, but something about it felt... confusing. Navigating other users and communities wasn't as simple as I remembered it a long time ago, or maybe all the places I'm interested in reading are gone. I'll give it a go here as well, see if it's the journal platform, or just me that is making it all feel weird. I have no idea.

I'll move my last posts here...


Years ago, when I was in high school I had an account on Greatest Journal, a clone of LJ that I felt at peace in. Sadly GJ doesn't exist anymore... so... now I am here.

I hope to write here as a form of therapy, it helped a bit when I was a teenager. Maybe some other random thoughts... I dunno.
I want to feel partially anonymous. I never post anything other than amusing images and videos on Facebook, and recently I have only been sending those links to specific people in private messages cause I just don't want a face to be attached to what I do on Facebook. (I am aware... that the word 'face' is there... I really just use Facebook for events and cause no one uses MSN anymore)

Just felt I had to explain myself, to essentially myself.


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